Feeling dysfunctional within the functional

*I wrote this post nearly three years ago.  The last paragraph is an update from back then but I left it in because it reminds me of where we were, six months into our placement of L and W.  Much has changed since then but I wanted to keep the post authentic to when it was written.

Blessings,
Jenn


I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it must feel like to be removed from ones family (abusive/neglectful or a mix of both) into a loving functional family.

It seems like one "should" feel relief or appreciation for the new better situation but the reality is, that no matter what, no matter how bad or dysfunctional or abusive or neglectful the situation is, it's all you know.  It's difficult, as an adult to imagine what this really feels like. How "normal" can feel wrong or scary or foreign or an indescribable mess of emotions.

I don't have many experiences that relate to this but one from years ago gives me a bit of insight.

I was raised Protestant. I could go into detail about which denomination but for this illustration, Protestant is a good enough description.  It was all I knew. I had experienced variations within the Protestant church but to a degree it was all very similar. There was a pastor who wore a suit and tie, music, friendly people greeting each other, and the services were in English. All the buildings were similar - plainly decorated with little finery.

When I was a freshman in college, I attended mass at a Catholic church with friend.  I knew it would be different but I thought, hey, it's still church.

I walked in and froze.  The building was elaborate; there was statues and stained glass everywhere. The priest wore robes and everything seemed elaborate.   Everyone was quiet and filing into their seat but not before giving a little bow and crossing themselves. I don't remember all the details but I do remember not knowing how to act. Everyone knew what to do, what to say, where to stand and I was lost.  I didn't know if I should sit or stand or kneel. I didn't know what to say and no instructions were given because everyone, and I do mean everyone, knew what to do.  They didn't even think to explain things because this was their normal.  

Back to foster kids, coming into a new home, into a family which is functional, safe and considered "normal". They don't know what to do or where to sit or what to say.  They don't know that if you're hungry, you ask for a snack because they are used to grabbing any food they could find.  They don't know to use a fork and spoon or to sit down for mealtime.  They may not have any basic hygiene habits because they were taken care of by a sibling who didn't know any better either.  They don't know to say sorry when you bump into someone because sorry means admitting fault when you are in trouble.  They don't know that it's okay to admit mistakes.  They don't even understand so many of words being used.  They don't know what trust, honesty, responsibility, privilege, respect or even safe means, let allow how to show or process it. Nothing looks, smells or tastes familiar or "normal".

I know that no matter how much I try to put myself into their shoes, I can't.  I can't know how it feels.  Maybe it would be like waking up in a foreign country where you know no one, where they speak a different language and their customs are unknown.  Maybe it's just like a big nightmare where nothing makes sense.  I don't know.  But I do know something - it's scary.  Beyond scary.

We have had W and L for 6 months now.  And I think that things are finally feeling normal for them.  L's night terrors are slowly diminishing.  W has stopped throwing fits completely and when he does get upset, he's using techniques we taught him to calm down.  Both kids are trying new foods.  When they first arrived they wouldn't touch about 90% of what I cooked.   Now, they eat over 90% of it.  We still have work to do but we are seeing progress.   It seems like the daily routines and basics of life (eating, sleeping, playing and washing) are now in order.   Now comes the hard part - teaching trust (how to trust but also how to be trust worthy), teaching honesty, delayed gratification, gratitude, the satisfaction of hard work, focus, empathy, self-sacrifice, compromise........ the list could go on and on.   These aren't easy things for any kid to learn but for kids who haven't seen or experienced most of this in their lives, it's even more challenging.  Rather than parenting by first establishing a firm foundation, we are raising the house, and doing foundation repairs.  It's not an easy job but it's going to be worth it.  I am convinced of that.


** Please note, that all of the examples given about what kids know or have experienced are not drawn specifically from one case/family/child.  These are examples only - I am not speaking of a specific case/family/child.  For confidentiality reasons, I will never speak specifically of what W & L have experienced in their short lives.