Vulnerability leads to blessings

I've been thinking a lot today about being vulnerable. If we are Facebook friends, you got a taste of what I have been feeling today.

You see, I don't like to be vulnerable.  It's uncomfortable and it makes me nervous and uneasy.  I'd much rather present myself as a strong, self-sufficient woman who has her stuff together. (I really want to use another word but I'm keeping this G rated.) It's not the truth. I am not strong, self-sufficient and I definitely don't have my stuff together but I really REALLY don't want people to see that.  

For me, being vulnerable is showing people that I'm not perfect. I'm a recovering perfectionist. Notice I used the word, showing people.   It's easy for me to say "Oh, my house is a disaster" but to actually have someone over is a different story.  Or better yet, have someone over and not apologize for the mess; that never happens.  I rarely have people (other than family) over and if I do, I am madly cleaning up for hours or even days and then when they come, I apologize for the mess; even though it's the cleanest my house has been for months.  

I am not good at being vulnerable.

I'm not good at asking for help or letting people see the reality of my life.  
The messy floors or the gross bathrooms.  The unfolded laundry or last night's leftovers still on the stove.  
But its all here.  That and more.  

I have my priorities and maybe they aren't as balanced as I'd like, but cleaning is not high up on the list.  I can say that knowing I've made the right choice, but it's still hard to not be able to manage everything and admit that I can't.  To know that I could pay for housecleaning service but then I'd have to skip sending the 4 year olds to gymnastics. Priorities.  Even when they are right, they aren't always easy.  But I've come to grips with the fact that my house is a disaster about 90% of the time - I just don't want everyone to know it. I guess the cat's out of the bag now.  

Today, some ladies from our church came over with lunch so that they could spend some time with my kids. They really want to help and support our family and other foster families within our church and one way to do that is to get to know the families so that when there is an emergency or a need, they can come over and the kids will have some familiarity with them.  It's overwhelming to think that people are taking time out of their busy schedule just to help us and be there for us in such a practical, meaningful way.

I did my best to open myself to be vulnerable today but I wasn't perfect. (Perfectly vulnerable? Hmmmm, my perfectionism may be kicking in again)  I still cleaned for a couple hours and I took a shower, which if I'm honest, doesn't happen enough.  I put on jeans and a scarf rather than sweats and a t-shirt.  But I welcomed these ladies into our less than perfect home, I admitted to them that there are times that I really need a hand, a errand ran for me, or a nap and most importantly, I allowed myself to relax and commune with them.

The thing I have been convicted of today is that if we don't open ourselves up to others by being vulnerable with people, we also aren't opening ourselves up to being blessed by people.  Sometimes being "strong" and "self-sufficient" is actually form of rejecting people and the blessings that they want to offer. We just need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and we will be blessed beyond measure.

It's something I'm working on but I hope you will join me in being more vulnerable but also blessing those people who are opening themselves up to you.  Acknowledge and reward their vulnerability by blessing them in a way that will surprise and encourage.

An overdue update

It has been far too long since I have written. 

Honestly, I find it very hard to blog while we are "in the trenches".  It has been just shy of 5 months since W and L came to live with us.  In many ways, a lot of progress has been made but when you are sitting in the middle of things, it's sometimes hard to see passed the struggles right in front of you.. 

When I wrote last, we were processing the decision to move Baby A from our home into her Great Aunt's home.  This is still hard to understand and seeing little A makes it even harder to let our hearts move forward.  We love that little girl and it's tough to see her but not be her caregiver.   Though it was difficult for the other kids, they have adjusted to not having her around full time.  They still see her a couple times a month and we try to also take her for a long weekend to give them some extra time together to continue to encourage their sibling bond.  

In late October, after hearing four days of testimony, the court made the decision to terminate parental rights for the three older children (L, W and their older brother who currently lives in a therapeutic group home).  This was a tough decision for the children to hear and they are slowly starting to understand what this means.  Unfortunately, this decision doesn't give the children a clear plan for the future as of yet but at least it is a start.  We are now working with an adoption specialist whose is job it is find these children a forever home. This is a long complicated process and as Gods plan unfolds for these children's lives, we are doing our best to lead and guide them during this confusing transition period.   

As for our daily lives, we are, as I mentioned, in the trenches.  After years without structure and stability, with poor examples and exposure to too many unhealthy things, we are slowly attempting to teach things like respect, thinking before acting, gratitude, positive thoughts, and personal choices and responsibility.  It is a challenging task, to unteach bad habits, and attempt to replace them with good positive ones.  I feel like a broken record and often it feels like there is someone in time out at any given moment.

But we really are making progress. We have seen a dramatic reduction in violent tantrums; what started out as a nearly daily occurrence has gone down to maybe one a month.  Mealtimes are also dramatically better; everyone is learning to try new foods and understanding that it's okay to eat something that's not your favorite because it may be someone else's favorite.  It's a constant and deliberate process to attempt to have the children think from someone else's perspective.  The biggest improvement we have seen is in bedtime.  We made some changes and separated two of the boys and since we did that, bedtimes have been a breeze.  I can get all 4 down from start to finish in under an hour!

We ask that you continue to keep these children in your prayers.  They are learning so much about life and it's very difficult for them.  There has been many adjustments in their short lives and there are still more to come.  We pray that the perfect forever family will be found and that these children will have only one more transition in their lives.  We praying that we are doing everything we can to prepare them for this transition and that it will come in God's perfect timing.