Feeling dysfunctional within the functional

*I wrote this post nearly three years ago.  The last paragraph is an update from back then but I left it in because it reminds me of where we were, six months into our placement of L and W.  Much has changed since then but I wanted to keep the post authentic to when it was written.

Blessings,
Jenn


I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it must feel like to be removed from ones family (abusive/neglectful or a mix of both) into a loving functional family.

It seems like one "should" feel relief or appreciation for the new better situation but the reality is, that no matter what, no matter how bad or dysfunctional or abusive or neglectful the situation is, it's all you know.  It's difficult, as an adult to imagine what this really feels like. How "normal" can feel wrong or scary or foreign or an indescribable mess of emotions.

I don't have many experiences that relate to this but one from years ago gives me a bit of insight.

I was raised Protestant. I could go into detail about which denomination but for this illustration, Protestant is a good enough description.  It was all I knew. I had experienced variations within the Protestant church but to a degree it was all very similar. There was a pastor who wore a suit and tie, music, friendly people greeting each other, and the services were in English. All the buildings were similar - plainly decorated with little finery.

When I was a freshman in college, I attended mass at a Catholic church with friend.  I knew it would be different but I thought, hey, it's still church.

I walked in and froze.  The building was elaborate; there was statues and stained glass everywhere. The priest wore robes and everything seemed elaborate.   Everyone was quiet and filing into their seat but not before giving a little bow and crossing themselves. I don't remember all the details but I do remember not knowing how to act. Everyone knew what to do, what to say, where to stand and I was lost.  I didn't know if I should sit or stand or kneel. I didn't know what to say and no instructions were given because everyone, and I do mean everyone, knew what to do.  They didn't even think to explain things because this was their normal.  

Back to foster kids, coming into a new home, into a family which is functional, safe and considered "normal". They don't know what to do or where to sit or what to say.  They don't know that if you're hungry, you ask for a snack because they are used to grabbing any food they could find.  They don't know to use a fork and spoon or to sit down for mealtime.  They may not have any basic hygiene habits because they were taken care of by a sibling who didn't know any better either.  They don't know to say sorry when you bump into someone because sorry means admitting fault when you are in trouble.  They don't know that it's okay to admit mistakes.  They don't even understand so many of words being used.  They don't know what trust, honesty, responsibility, privilege, respect or even safe means, let allow how to show or process it. Nothing looks, smells or tastes familiar or "normal".

I know that no matter how much I try to put myself into their shoes, I can't.  I can't know how it feels.  Maybe it would be like waking up in a foreign country where you know no one, where they speak a different language and their customs are unknown.  Maybe it's just like a big nightmare where nothing makes sense.  I don't know.  But I do know something - it's scary.  Beyond scary.

We have had W and L for 6 months now.  And I think that things are finally feeling normal for them.  L's night terrors are slowly diminishing.  W has stopped throwing fits completely and when he does get upset, he's using techniques we taught him to calm down.  Both kids are trying new foods.  When they first arrived they wouldn't touch about 90% of what I cooked.   Now, they eat over 90% of it.  We still have work to do but we are seeing progress.   It seems like the daily routines and basics of life (eating, sleeping, playing and washing) are now in order.   Now comes the hard part - teaching trust (how to trust but also how to be trust worthy), teaching honesty, delayed gratification, gratitude, the satisfaction of hard work, focus, empathy, self-sacrifice, compromise........ the list could go on and on.   These aren't easy things for any kid to learn but for kids who haven't seen or experienced most of this in their lives, it's even more challenging.  Rather than parenting by first establishing a firm foundation, we are raising the house, and doing foundation repairs.  It's not an easy job but it's going to be worth it.  I am convinced of that.


** Please note, that all of the examples given about what kids know or have experienced are not drawn specifically from one case/family/child.  These are examples only - I am not speaking of a specific case/family/child.  For confidentiality reasons, I will never speak specifically of what W & L have experienced in their short lives.

Drive to Compassion

It has been two and a half years since I've sat down and wrote a blog post.  It has been a busy  and challenging 2.5 years but full of blessings and wonder.  Since I last wrote, we have fostered several children, adopted a daughter and gave birth to another daughter.  We moved into a larger home and I have gone back to work and then went back to being a full time stay at home mom.  Lots of changes, lots of steps forward and some steps back but our cup overflows with blessing and gratitude for how God worked things out.

So after a two year hiatus, why start writing again?  It's two-fold.

Funny thing is that years after stepping out in faith and beginning our journey as foster parents, beginning with one infant, eventually having three kids (including school age kids) we still feel God's call on our family to do more.  Not only continuing to care for and love on children in our community but to speak about our motivation, to build stronger community support, and encourage everyone to get involved.  At very least blogging helps me to continually collect my thoughts as I speak at more events and encourage more people to get involved with their local foster care program - either through fostering themselves or directly supporting a foster family.  I really feel like I have a unique opportunity to open people's eyes to ways that they can be involved in helping children within foster care, even if they aren't called to be foster parents themselves.  We may not all be called to do foster care but we are called to do something.

The other reason why I'm writing today is a bit more, well humbling in some ways.  We were blessed to have found a huge house about 2 years ago.  It has plenty of large bedrooms and living space and it fit our dream of being able to continue to foster more children over the years.  Unfortunately, due to a dead transmission, we had to purchase a new-to-us van this past year.  We weren't expecting to have this expense just yet but with an older van it was hard to justify the expense of repairing when it seemed this repair could be a foreshadowing of other major repairs.  We had been hoping to stretch out the life of our faithful minivan and be able to save for our dream van, a low profile 15 passenger van.  This dream van fits into our garage and will comfortably and safely seat more children while allowing some much needed storage in the back; double strollers are HUGE and as you may know, with kids come stuff!   Right now we have a wonderful, newer reliable minivan and fits our current crew of 5 (4 in car seats/boosters) but with very little cargo space and no room for anyone else.  That is our dilemma - no room for anyone else.   Sadly, our local CPS has been overwhelmed with children, which often happens once school starts and all our emergency shelters are full but we are unable to help due to our lack of vehicle seating.

So, we are here, humbly asking for help.

It's humbling but I know and trust that God will provide in order for his calling on my life to continue and expand.  It's a calling on our entire family and even our children have agreed that they would like to help more children.  One of our sons asked me a couple days ago, "Momma, what happens if we get another foster kid since we don't have room in the van?"  He doesn't understand that we have had several calls requesting our help that we have had to say no to.  But I tell him that God will provide a new van in His perfect timing.  I believe that He will but I also believe that we need to reach out to our community and tell people of our need.  God uses other people to fulfill His will - He doesn't need to, He is able to do miracles, but He can use the generosity of people and fulfill an even large plan, one that we may not be able to completely see.

In order to give people the opportunity to partner with us in our family's journey as a foster family, we have set up a gofundme campaign.  We have shared it on Facebook and we are asking you to share it too.  Prayerfully share and prayerfully consider supporting us financially.

The van that we are looking to purchase is a special order model, which is why it is so expensive.  It is low profile so it will fit into our garage.  This is very important to us because we often take care of infants who often are medically needy and who need to be loaded/unloaded one at a time.  Doing this in the safety of our garage, protected from the weather, is important to me as a mom who is juggling a lot of balls.  We have some extra traffic on our road and if you have ever had a toddler in your home, you know how quickly they can dart the wrong way.  My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.  This model of van is also very new, which means it'll last us years but it also doesn't allow for getting a deal - unless any of you know someone at Ford that can hook us up. ;)   $45,000 is an incredible amount of money for our family, for most families; I never imagined spending half that on a vehicle but if I break it down it feels more manageable.  If 450 people donate $100 we are there - actually 446.5 people since we have already had some amazing friends pledge their support.  Between Pete and I we have over 1300 Facebook friends and if even a fraction of our friends share, we are reaching out to thousands of people which means if only a fraction of those people support us even $50 or $25 we would be order this amazing van.

So here is the link for the campaign - https://www.gofundme.com/ep3aek - I ask you to first pray.  Pray for all the children in foster care and their families.  Pray specifically for your community and ask God how you can make a difference in the life of these children.  And then, if you feel led, please consider supporting us financially.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I hope to continue to write about why we are involved in foster care and more ways for you to get involved in your community.

Blessings!
-Jenn