An overdue update

It has been far too long since I have written. 

Honestly, I find it very hard to blog while we are "in the trenches".  It has been just shy of 5 months since W and L came to live with us.  In many ways, a lot of progress has been made but when you are sitting in the middle of things, it's sometimes hard to see passed the struggles right in front of you.. 

When I wrote last, we were processing the decision to move Baby A from our home into her Great Aunt's home.  This is still hard to understand and seeing little A makes it even harder to let our hearts move forward.  We love that little girl and it's tough to see her but not be her caregiver.   Though it was difficult for the other kids, they have adjusted to not having her around full time.  They still see her a couple times a month and we try to also take her for a long weekend to give them some extra time together to continue to encourage their sibling bond.  

In late October, after hearing four days of testimony, the court made the decision to terminate parental rights for the three older children (L, W and their older brother who currently lives in a therapeutic group home).  This was a tough decision for the children to hear and they are slowly starting to understand what this means.  Unfortunately, this decision doesn't give the children a clear plan for the future as of yet but at least it is a start.  We are now working with an adoption specialist whose is job it is find these children a forever home. This is a long complicated process and as Gods plan unfolds for these children's lives, we are doing our best to lead and guide them during this confusing transition period.   

As for our daily lives, we are, as I mentioned, in the trenches.  After years without structure and stability, with poor examples and exposure to too many unhealthy things, we are slowly attempting to teach things like respect, thinking before acting, gratitude, positive thoughts, and personal choices and responsibility.  It is a challenging task, to unteach bad habits, and attempt to replace them with good positive ones.  I feel like a broken record and often it feels like there is someone in time out at any given moment.

But we really are making progress. We have seen a dramatic reduction in violent tantrums; what started out as a nearly daily occurrence has gone down to maybe one a month.  Mealtimes are also dramatically better; everyone is learning to try new foods and understanding that it's okay to eat something that's not your favorite because it may be someone else's favorite.  It's a constant and deliberate process to attempt to have the children think from someone else's perspective.  The biggest improvement we have seen is in bedtime.  We made some changes and separated two of the boys and since we did that, bedtimes have been a breeze.  I can get all 4 down from start to finish in under an hour!

We ask that you continue to keep these children in your prayers.  They are learning so much about life and it's very difficult for them.  There has been many adjustments in their short lives and there are still more to come.  We pray that the perfect forever family will be found and that these children will have only one more transition in their lives.  We praying that we are doing everything we can to prepare them for this transition and that it will come in God's perfect timing.  

An unexpected decision

Nearly 3 months ago, as you know, we made the decision to move W and L from their current foster home to our home so that they could live together with their younger sister A.  What I may not have mentioned is that A is their half sister.   In most ways, being half siblings doesn't change anything but when it comes to making decisions for the children's future and making permanent plans, it does make a difference.  It means that more adults are involved and that things become a lot more complicated. 

To make these types of big decisions, meeting are called, allowing all involved adults to come together and discuss.  As foster parents, we are invited to meetings to express our concerns but generally we have very little input in regards to decisions about the children's future.  This is very hard; to care for a child and work very hard to bring siblings together and then have no real input about their future goes against everything that being a parent is. But it's reality. It's another reason why being a foster parent is such a difficult thing. 

Anyways, this week a meeting such as this was held to discuss A's future and it was decided that A will transition to live with her paternal great-aunt.  

It is very diffcult not to get emotional about this decision because we strongly feel that the children should stay together; that maintaining the sibling bond should always be the first priority.  

Unfortunately, this will not happen. 

We will miss baby A very much but more heartbreaking is that W and L are going to miss out on living with their sister. No matter how many visits are arranged, and how many play dates are had, nothing will replace the bonding that happens in the simple daily moments of life. 

Right now we are still processing all of this. 

We are praying for peace in our hearts, for peace in our minds as we process this unexpected decision and for wisdom to know how to move forward.  We pray for a clear vision of what God's will is for us and our family. 

We pray for A as she moves from the only family she knows into a new environment and for that family as they adjust to a new baby in their home. 

Finally, I ask that you join me in praying for W and L. Having a sibling move away is, yet again, another transition for them to process and it may bring up some very strong emotions that they don't yet have the tools to handle. We are hoping that this doesn't make them regress and that we don't loose too much of the progress we have made in the last 7 weeks. 

Praying for peace during bedtime battles

I think that most parents would agree that generally, bedtime is one if the toughest parts of parenting.  We all do our best to set up routines and do calming activities in the evenings. We read stories, give baths, rub backs and generally do everything we can to get out beloved children to sleep. Because let's be honest, we love our children but by 8 o'clock we are ready to watch project runway with a glass of wine. Okay, maybe that's just me but we all need a moment of peace, some uninterrupted conversation and some sleep. 

Bedtime is tough for most kids too. They are usually tired and winding down is tough. Laying still is hard, especially when the blanket is not straight and the room is not the perfect 72 degrees not to mention that itchy spot that seems to jump around their little bodies. 

I have been through many bedtime battles with my bio kids.  Nightmares, spooky shadows, itchy blankets and lost stuffed animals - been there, done that. 

But parenting foster kids is a completely different thing.  Settling down at night is even harder because they really don't want to stop long enough to process how their world has been turned upside down; how much they miss their parents; how they wish their life was different or the same or "normal". They don't want to relax and lay still because it makes them think about their past, worry about the present and fear the future.  Add to this the fact that these young children have never been taught how to talk about these emotions, it's a powder keg just ready to explode into fits of rage, uncontrolled anger and despair. 

This is how bedtimes are at our house.  Some nights can go off without a hitch and it's just over an hour from "okay kids, time to get ready for bed" until all are asleep while other nights are filled with anger, defiance and fear.  

It undoubtedly the most challenging aspect of parenting amplified when foster parenting. 

We continue to pray for peace over our home, for healing in the lives of these children and for grace in all if us as we work through these challenges. 

If you can, please join me in my nightly prayer; which usually starts at 7 pm when the kids begin to get ready for bed. "Jesus, please let your peace which surpasses all our understanding fill this house, envelope Your children and guide our behaviors. Build a hedge of protection around the minds of these children and begin your healing work in their lives. Amen."

Two weeks in

 We are two weeks into this new version of our family and so much has changed.  We knew this was going to be a challenge but knowing and experiencing are very different things.

We are balancing new routines, new personalities, new food likes/dislikes and more. We are figuring out the kids "triggers" and quickly learning how diffuse a situation before it spirals out of control. We are learning how to handle fits when they do develop into them. And we are starting to learn how to teach older children skills that will allow them to better cope with their feelings and expressing their fears, worries and what is bothering them. It has been a challenging couple of weeks but great at the same time.

Though we still have moments of being completely overwhelmed by the demands of 5 kids 6 and under, we still feel like this is right.  Not only is it the right thing to keep all three of these siblings together but it's right for our family and the calling that God has placed on our hearts (more on His calling on a different day).

How I'm doing, honestly.

In an attempt to be somewhat transparent and honest about this journey I feel like I should share how I'm feeling.
Despite the fact that the transition has been going better than we thought it would and despite the fact that we have already seen progress and signs of everyone settling in, I am struggling.

For those who know me well, I am an introvert and not having a single second to myself from 7am until 10 pm is completely draining to me. I feel like my tank is empty and when I need extra patience, compassion and understanding, I am struggling.  More often than not, I feel completely overwhelmed and unequipped to handle it all. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing; I'm worried about not spreading my attention evenly; I'm concerned about how this is affecting our boys and I wonder if we did the right thing.  I'm stressed about my business and the fact that I haven't been able to work in nearly two weeks.  I am overwhelmed by the mountain of laundry and seems to be growing at an alarming rate.

I know that we are just finishing up week one and things are bound to get easier but right now, it's tough to see how I will manage.  I read a great article about the challenges that introvert moms face and I think it explains my struggles very well.

http://theaquilareport.com/motherhood-the-introverts-challenge/#.UgOmchZdItG.blogger

Please continue to pray for all of us as we continue to get to know each other and figure out how to relate best to one another. Please pray for our boys, who are feeling the challenges of having less space and more personalities around. Please pray for the two older foster kids who are struggling with settling into new routines, schedules, food, bed and new authority figures.  We all have a long road ahead of us with many challenges and I pray that trust will be built quickly so we can come together and begin functioning in a more cohesive way.

I have complete faith in Gods strength to get me through this tough time because my human strength and endurance is not enough.

"Don't you know who made everything?
Haven't you heard about him?
The Lord is the God who lives forever.
He created everything on earth. He won't become worn out or get tired.
No one will ever know how great his understanding is.
He gives strength to those who are tired.
He gives power to those who are weak."
                (Isaiah 40:28, 29 NIRV)

A day at the courthouse.

Today, I had another foster parenting and personal first.

I spent the day at the courthouse.

It was a long tough day with another two still ahead but it was eye opening for me.  Spending a day on a hard church-like pew, just listening to testimony after testimony was incredibly exhausting. Hearing about the family history of the children in my care was heart breaking but in order to understand them better, it's also necessary.

The best part of my day?

Arriving home to five beautiful smiling faces and plenty of hugs. Seeing how much fun that everyone had with Pete and knowing that all these kiddos, my biological kids and my foster kids are safe and thriving.

That makes all this worth it.

Plus all the kids are asleep (other than the baby who needs a final bottle) and its before 9:30. It's a new record!  We will have to get that closer to 8 very quickly but for now, it's a small victory.

Two days in

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update.
 W and L arrived Friday afternoon and they were greeted by our two very excited boys. Everyone was very excited and once we got a bit settled things have been going surprizingly well.  Granted it hasn't been without a few hiccups but honestly, the initial transition has been very smooth. The toughest part has been trying to get everyone settled for bed and Izzy has been the hardest one to convince that it's time to sleep.

Tomorrow will be our first attempt to take all five kiddos anywhere. I figure church is the best place for a trial run - a place full of grace and child care.

We continue to ask for your prayers. We have about a week and a half before school starts for all the kids which will be yet another transition for all of them.  They have all be managing well in the short term but we are always aware that when the honeymoon period is over, we could be facing a number of challenges.