Feeling dysfunctional within the functional

*I wrote this post nearly three years ago.  The last paragraph is an update from back then but I left it in because it reminds me of where we were, six months into our placement of L and W.  Much has changed since then but I wanted to keep the post authentic to when it was written.

Blessings,
Jenn


I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it must feel like to be removed from ones family (abusive/neglectful or a mix of both) into a loving functional family.

It seems like one "should" feel relief or appreciation for the new better situation but the reality is, that no matter what, no matter how bad or dysfunctional or abusive or neglectful the situation is, it's all you know.  It's difficult, as an adult to imagine what this really feels like. How "normal" can feel wrong or scary or foreign or an indescribable mess of emotions.

I don't have many experiences that relate to this but one from years ago gives me a bit of insight.

I was raised Protestant. I could go into detail about which denomination but for this illustration, Protestant is a good enough description.  It was all I knew. I had experienced variations within the Protestant church but to a degree it was all very similar. There was a pastor who wore a suit and tie, music, friendly people greeting each other, and the services were in English. All the buildings were similar - plainly decorated with little finery.

When I was a freshman in college, I attended mass at a Catholic church with friend.  I knew it would be different but I thought, hey, it's still church.

I walked in and froze.  The building was elaborate; there was statues and stained glass everywhere. The priest wore robes and everything seemed elaborate.   Everyone was quiet and filing into their seat but not before giving a little bow and crossing themselves. I don't remember all the details but I do remember not knowing how to act. Everyone knew what to do, what to say, where to stand and I was lost.  I didn't know if I should sit or stand or kneel. I didn't know what to say and no instructions were given because everyone, and I do mean everyone, knew what to do.  They didn't even think to explain things because this was their normal.  

Back to foster kids, coming into a new home, into a family which is functional, safe and considered "normal". They don't know what to do or where to sit or what to say.  They don't know that if you're hungry, you ask for a snack because they are used to grabbing any food they could find.  They don't know to use a fork and spoon or to sit down for mealtime.  They may not have any basic hygiene habits because they were taken care of by a sibling who didn't know any better either.  They don't know to say sorry when you bump into someone because sorry means admitting fault when you are in trouble.  They don't know that it's okay to admit mistakes.  They don't even understand so many of words being used.  They don't know what trust, honesty, responsibility, privilege, respect or even safe means, let allow how to show or process it. Nothing looks, smells or tastes familiar or "normal".

I know that no matter how much I try to put myself into their shoes, I can't.  I can't know how it feels.  Maybe it would be like waking up in a foreign country where you know no one, where they speak a different language and their customs are unknown.  Maybe it's just like a big nightmare where nothing makes sense.  I don't know.  But I do know something - it's scary.  Beyond scary.

We have had W and L for 6 months now.  And I think that things are finally feeling normal for them.  L's night terrors are slowly diminishing.  W has stopped throwing fits completely and when he does get upset, he's using techniques we taught him to calm down.  Both kids are trying new foods.  When they first arrived they wouldn't touch about 90% of what I cooked.   Now, they eat over 90% of it.  We still have work to do but we are seeing progress.   It seems like the daily routines and basics of life (eating, sleeping, playing and washing) are now in order.   Now comes the hard part - teaching trust (how to trust but also how to be trust worthy), teaching honesty, delayed gratification, gratitude, the satisfaction of hard work, focus, empathy, self-sacrifice, compromise........ the list could go on and on.   These aren't easy things for any kid to learn but for kids who haven't seen or experienced most of this in their lives, it's even more challenging.  Rather than parenting by first establishing a firm foundation, we are raising the house, and doing foundation repairs.  It's not an easy job but it's going to be worth it.  I am convinced of that.


** Please note, that all of the examples given about what kids know or have experienced are not drawn specifically from one case/family/child.  These are examples only - I am not speaking of a specific case/family/child.  For confidentiality reasons, I will never speak specifically of what W & L have experienced in their short lives.

Drive to Compassion

It has been two and a half years since I've sat down and wrote a blog post.  It has been a busy  and challenging 2.5 years but full of blessings and wonder.  Since I last wrote, we have fostered several children, adopted a daughter and gave birth to another daughter.  We moved into a larger home and I have gone back to work and then went back to being a full time stay at home mom.  Lots of changes, lots of steps forward and some steps back but our cup overflows with blessing and gratitude for how God worked things out.

So after a two year hiatus, why start writing again?  It's two-fold.

Funny thing is that years after stepping out in faith and beginning our journey as foster parents, beginning with one infant, eventually having three kids (including school age kids) we still feel God's call on our family to do more.  Not only continuing to care for and love on children in our community but to speak about our motivation, to build stronger community support, and encourage everyone to get involved.  At very least blogging helps me to continually collect my thoughts as I speak at more events and encourage more people to get involved with their local foster care program - either through fostering themselves or directly supporting a foster family.  I really feel like I have a unique opportunity to open people's eyes to ways that they can be involved in helping children within foster care, even if they aren't called to be foster parents themselves.  We may not all be called to do foster care but we are called to do something.

The other reason why I'm writing today is a bit more, well humbling in some ways.  We were blessed to have found a huge house about 2 years ago.  It has plenty of large bedrooms and living space and it fit our dream of being able to continue to foster more children over the years.  Unfortunately, due to a dead transmission, we had to purchase a new-to-us van this past year.  We weren't expecting to have this expense just yet but with an older van it was hard to justify the expense of repairing when it seemed this repair could be a foreshadowing of other major repairs.  We had been hoping to stretch out the life of our faithful minivan and be able to save for our dream van, a low profile 15 passenger van.  This dream van fits into our garage and will comfortably and safely seat more children while allowing some much needed storage in the back; double strollers are HUGE and as you may know, with kids come stuff!   Right now we have a wonderful, newer reliable minivan and fits our current crew of 5 (4 in car seats/boosters) but with very little cargo space and no room for anyone else.  That is our dilemma - no room for anyone else.   Sadly, our local CPS has been overwhelmed with children, which often happens once school starts and all our emergency shelters are full but we are unable to help due to our lack of vehicle seating.

So, we are here, humbly asking for help.

It's humbling but I know and trust that God will provide in order for his calling on my life to continue and expand.  It's a calling on our entire family and even our children have agreed that they would like to help more children.  One of our sons asked me a couple days ago, "Momma, what happens if we get another foster kid since we don't have room in the van?"  He doesn't understand that we have had several calls requesting our help that we have had to say no to.  But I tell him that God will provide a new van in His perfect timing.  I believe that He will but I also believe that we need to reach out to our community and tell people of our need.  God uses other people to fulfill His will - He doesn't need to, He is able to do miracles, but He can use the generosity of people and fulfill an even large plan, one that we may not be able to completely see.

In order to give people the opportunity to partner with us in our family's journey as a foster family, we have set up a gofundme campaign.  We have shared it on Facebook and we are asking you to share it too.  Prayerfully share and prayerfully consider supporting us financially.

The van that we are looking to purchase is a special order model, which is why it is so expensive.  It is low profile so it will fit into our garage.  This is very important to us because we often take care of infants who often are medically needy and who need to be loaded/unloaded one at a time.  Doing this in the safety of our garage, protected from the weather, is important to me as a mom who is juggling a lot of balls.  We have some extra traffic on our road and if you have ever had a toddler in your home, you know how quickly they can dart the wrong way.  My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.  This model of van is also very new, which means it'll last us years but it also doesn't allow for getting a deal - unless any of you know someone at Ford that can hook us up. ;)   $45,000 is an incredible amount of money for our family, for most families; I never imagined spending half that on a vehicle but if I break it down it feels more manageable.  If 450 people donate $100 we are there - actually 446.5 people since we have already had some amazing friends pledge their support.  Between Pete and I we have over 1300 Facebook friends and if even a fraction of our friends share, we are reaching out to thousands of people which means if only a fraction of those people support us even $50 or $25 we would be order this amazing van.

So here is the link for the campaign - https://www.gofundme.com/ep3aek - I ask you to first pray.  Pray for all the children in foster care and their families.  Pray specifically for your community and ask God how you can make a difference in the life of these children.  And then, if you feel led, please consider supporting us financially.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I hope to continue to write about why we are involved in foster care and more ways for you to get involved in your community.

Blessings!
-Jenn

Vulnerability leads to blessings

I've been thinking a lot today about being vulnerable. If we are Facebook friends, you got a taste of what I have been feeling today.

You see, I don't like to be vulnerable.  It's uncomfortable and it makes me nervous and uneasy.  I'd much rather present myself as a strong, self-sufficient woman who has her stuff together. (I really want to use another word but I'm keeping this G rated.) It's not the truth. I am not strong, self-sufficient and I definitely don't have my stuff together but I really REALLY don't want people to see that.  

For me, being vulnerable is showing people that I'm not perfect. I'm a recovering perfectionist. Notice I used the word, showing people.   It's easy for me to say "Oh, my house is a disaster" but to actually have someone over is a different story.  Or better yet, have someone over and not apologize for the mess; that never happens.  I rarely have people (other than family) over and if I do, I am madly cleaning up for hours or even days and then when they come, I apologize for the mess; even though it's the cleanest my house has been for months.  

I am not good at being vulnerable.

I'm not good at asking for help or letting people see the reality of my life.  
The messy floors or the gross bathrooms.  The unfolded laundry or last night's leftovers still on the stove.  
But its all here.  That and more.  

I have my priorities and maybe they aren't as balanced as I'd like, but cleaning is not high up on the list.  I can say that knowing I've made the right choice, but it's still hard to not be able to manage everything and admit that I can't.  To know that I could pay for housecleaning service but then I'd have to skip sending the 4 year olds to gymnastics. Priorities.  Even when they are right, they aren't always easy.  But I've come to grips with the fact that my house is a disaster about 90% of the time - I just don't want everyone to know it. I guess the cat's out of the bag now.  

Today, some ladies from our church came over with lunch so that they could spend some time with my kids. They really want to help and support our family and other foster families within our church and one way to do that is to get to know the families so that when there is an emergency or a need, they can come over and the kids will have some familiarity with them.  It's overwhelming to think that people are taking time out of their busy schedule just to help us and be there for us in such a practical, meaningful way.

I did my best to open myself to be vulnerable today but I wasn't perfect. (Perfectly vulnerable? Hmmmm, my perfectionism may be kicking in again)  I still cleaned for a couple hours and I took a shower, which if I'm honest, doesn't happen enough.  I put on jeans and a scarf rather than sweats and a t-shirt.  But I welcomed these ladies into our less than perfect home, I admitted to them that there are times that I really need a hand, a errand ran for me, or a nap and most importantly, I allowed myself to relax and commune with them.

The thing I have been convicted of today is that if we don't open ourselves up to others by being vulnerable with people, we also aren't opening ourselves up to being blessed by people.  Sometimes being "strong" and "self-sufficient" is actually form of rejecting people and the blessings that they want to offer. We just need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and we will be blessed beyond measure.

It's something I'm working on but I hope you will join me in being more vulnerable but also blessing those people who are opening themselves up to you.  Acknowledge and reward their vulnerability by blessing them in a way that will surprise and encourage.

An overdue update

It has been far too long since I have written. 

Honestly, I find it very hard to blog while we are "in the trenches".  It has been just shy of 5 months since W and L came to live with us.  In many ways, a lot of progress has been made but when you are sitting in the middle of things, it's sometimes hard to see passed the struggles right in front of you.. 

When I wrote last, we were processing the decision to move Baby A from our home into her Great Aunt's home.  This is still hard to understand and seeing little A makes it even harder to let our hearts move forward.  We love that little girl and it's tough to see her but not be her caregiver.   Though it was difficult for the other kids, they have adjusted to not having her around full time.  They still see her a couple times a month and we try to also take her for a long weekend to give them some extra time together to continue to encourage their sibling bond.  

In late October, after hearing four days of testimony, the court made the decision to terminate parental rights for the three older children (L, W and their older brother who currently lives in a therapeutic group home).  This was a tough decision for the children to hear and they are slowly starting to understand what this means.  Unfortunately, this decision doesn't give the children a clear plan for the future as of yet but at least it is a start.  We are now working with an adoption specialist whose is job it is find these children a forever home. This is a long complicated process and as Gods plan unfolds for these children's lives, we are doing our best to lead and guide them during this confusing transition period.   

As for our daily lives, we are, as I mentioned, in the trenches.  After years without structure and stability, with poor examples and exposure to too many unhealthy things, we are slowly attempting to teach things like respect, thinking before acting, gratitude, positive thoughts, and personal choices and responsibility.  It is a challenging task, to unteach bad habits, and attempt to replace them with good positive ones.  I feel like a broken record and often it feels like there is someone in time out at any given moment.

But we really are making progress. We have seen a dramatic reduction in violent tantrums; what started out as a nearly daily occurrence has gone down to maybe one a month.  Mealtimes are also dramatically better; everyone is learning to try new foods and understanding that it's okay to eat something that's not your favorite because it may be someone else's favorite.  It's a constant and deliberate process to attempt to have the children think from someone else's perspective.  The biggest improvement we have seen is in bedtime.  We made some changes and separated two of the boys and since we did that, bedtimes have been a breeze.  I can get all 4 down from start to finish in under an hour!

We ask that you continue to keep these children in your prayers.  They are learning so much about life and it's very difficult for them.  There has been many adjustments in their short lives and there are still more to come.  We pray that the perfect forever family will be found and that these children will have only one more transition in their lives.  We praying that we are doing everything we can to prepare them for this transition and that it will come in God's perfect timing.  

An unexpected decision

Nearly 3 months ago, as you know, we made the decision to move W and L from their current foster home to our home so that they could live together with their younger sister A.  What I may not have mentioned is that A is their half sister.   In most ways, being half siblings doesn't change anything but when it comes to making decisions for the children's future and making permanent plans, it does make a difference.  It means that more adults are involved and that things become a lot more complicated. 

To make these types of big decisions, meeting are called, allowing all involved adults to come together and discuss.  As foster parents, we are invited to meetings to express our concerns but generally we have very little input in regards to decisions about the children's future.  This is very hard; to care for a child and work very hard to bring siblings together and then have no real input about their future goes against everything that being a parent is. But it's reality. It's another reason why being a foster parent is such a difficult thing. 

Anyways, this week a meeting such as this was held to discuss A's future and it was decided that A will transition to live with her paternal great-aunt.  

It is very diffcult not to get emotional about this decision because we strongly feel that the children should stay together; that maintaining the sibling bond should always be the first priority.  

Unfortunately, this will not happen. 

We will miss baby A very much but more heartbreaking is that W and L are going to miss out on living with their sister. No matter how many visits are arranged, and how many play dates are had, nothing will replace the bonding that happens in the simple daily moments of life. 

Right now we are still processing all of this. 

We are praying for peace in our hearts, for peace in our minds as we process this unexpected decision and for wisdom to know how to move forward.  We pray for a clear vision of what God's will is for us and our family. 

We pray for A as she moves from the only family she knows into a new environment and for that family as they adjust to a new baby in their home. 

Finally, I ask that you join me in praying for W and L. Having a sibling move away is, yet again, another transition for them to process and it may bring up some very strong emotions that they don't yet have the tools to handle. We are hoping that this doesn't make them regress and that we don't loose too much of the progress we have made in the last 7 weeks. 

Praying for peace during bedtime battles

I think that most parents would agree that generally, bedtime is one if the toughest parts of parenting.  We all do our best to set up routines and do calming activities in the evenings. We read stories, give baths, rub backs and generally do everything we can to get out beloved children to sleep. Because let's be honest, we love our children but by 8 o'clock we are ready to watch project runway with a glass of wine. Okay, maybe that's just me but we all need a moment of peace, some uninterrupted conversation and some sleep. 

Bedtime is tough for most kids too. They are usually tired and winding down is tough. Laying still is hard, especially when the blanket is not straight and the room is not the perfect 72 degrees not to mention that itchy spot that seems to jump around their little bodies. 

I have been through many bedtime battles with my bio kids.  Nightmares, spooky shadows, itchy blankets and lost stuffed animals - been there, done that. 

But parenting foster kids is a completely different thing.  Settling down at night is even harder because they really don't want to stop long enough to process how their world has been turned upside down; how much they miss their parents; how they wish their life was different or the same or "normal". They don't want to relax and lay still because it makes them think about their past, worry about the present and fear the future.  Add to this the fact that these young children have never been taught how to talk about these emotions, it's a powder keg just ready to explode into fits of rage, uncontrolled anger and despair. 

This is how bedtimes are at our house.  Some nights can go off without a hitch and it's just over an hour from "okay kids, time to get ready for bed" until all are asleep while other nights are filled with anger, defiance and fear.  

It undoubtedly the most challenging aspect of parenting amplified when foster parenting. 

We continue to pray for peace over our home, for healing in the lives of these children and for grace in all if us as we work through these challenges. 

If you can, please join me in my nightly prayer; which usually starts at 7 pm when the kids begin to get ready for bed. "Jesus, please let your peace which surpasses all our understanding fill this house, envelope Your children and guide our behaviors. Build a hedge of protection around the minds of these children and begin your healing work in their lives. Amen."

Two weeks in

 We are two weeks into this new version of our family and so much has changed.  We knew this was going to be a challenge but knowing and experiencing are very different things.

We are balancing new routines, new personalities, new food likes/dislikes and more. We are figuring out the kids "triggers" and quickly learning how diffuse a situation before it spirals out of control. We are learning how to handle fits when they do develop into them. And we are starting to learn how to teach older children skills that will allow them to better cope with their feelings and expressing their fears, worries and what is bothering them. It has been a challenging couple of weeks but great at the same time.

Though we still have moments of being completely overwhelmed by the demands of 5 kids 6 and under, we still feel like this is right.  Not only is it the right thing to keep all three of these siblings together but it's right for our family and the calling that God has placed on our hearts (more on His calling on a different day).